Today, Like All The Days Before
by Mek
Summary: Some demons never go away... and become harder to deal with on one's own. Iruka is left to grapple with his own while Kakashi is away.  ::Sequel to Over Ramen::


There was a certain minutia to the everyday that Iruka had found he could not escape. It was dull, it was boring, but it was comforting too. The only blood he saw was the small scraps (and sometimes not so small scrapes) of his students. At least, the ones who couldn't hit the right side of a tree no matter how little practice they put in. Sometimes, it would be the ones who had practiced too much; they thought overcompensation was the right path. Then there were the prodigies, the children of certain families who never needed his attention. He felt sorry for them, grieved in a way, but kept his distance. His piece of mind held more value than theirs, especially when there was nothing he could do.

Sometimes he lured Hanabi to the ramen shop, but only rarely. It made Hiashi-sama furious, and Iruka ashamed for what he felt was taking advantage. Plus, she was never as bright a presence as Naruto had been.

He wished he had invited her today.

"Another bowl, Iruka-sensei?" Teuchi asked him cheerfully. Iruka could only manage a wan smile in return.

"I'm afraid not, Teuchi-san. I couldn't possibly eat anything else!" Iruka laughed, but the sound was hollow. Teuchi smiled at him sadly and handed him his bill. Neither man commented on how that day was the anniversary of Iruka's unfortunate return from the last mission the Hokage sent him on. Teuchi, because he did not remember. Iruka, because he remembered all too well. No, Kakashi was away. Away on his own mission, with no word of when he would return.

He was late. And Iruka was left alone to deal with his own demons on their first year anniversary.

xxx

"Iruka-sensei."

Iruka looked up from his desk at the cold tone of one Hyuuga Hanabi. She looked determined. Behind her, Konohamaru looked at them curiously.

"Yes, Hanabi-chan?" Iruka said, summoning up a smile he didn't think he had in him.

"You are not well. We will have ramen today," she said firmly. Though outwardly she was every inch her father's daughter, there was still that bit of hesitancy, as if she was not sure if her demand would work. It reminded Iruka of her sister, and this time his smile was genuine.

"Well, of course Hanabi-chan…"

"OI! Iruka-sensei! I want ramen too! Why don't you ever take me out like you did with Boss?"

Iruka froze, and in that moment it felt like everything rushed back to him. "Excuse me Hanabi-chan," he said roughly and rushed out to the nearest lavatory. If he was going to break down, it would not be in front of his students. He slipped to the ground, not caring if the door was locked.

Deep breaths, Iruka, deep breaths. He counted down from ten, did his deep breathing exercises. He tried not to think about how weak that made him feel, how pathetic. If Kakashi was here, he'd get a shoulder massage too. He bit back a sob. He would not think of Kakashi.

Hokage-sama told him this could happen. That it had affected him too deeply. It was why he had been sent back to the academy, wasn't it? He was no good as a field shinobi. (Was he ever?) He'd been broken. And that had been the greatest shame of all.

A knock.

"Iruka-sensei?" Hanabi.

He cleared his throat and hoped that it would not tremble. Dear kami, do not tremble!

"Yes, Hanabi-chan?"

"The idiot and I will bring you back ramen."

"WHAT?" Konohamaru yelled, loud enough that Iruka winced even through the door.

"Hanabi-chan, you don't have to do that," Iruka said weakly. But the sound of Konohamaru faded, and he gave a sigh and then a little laugh. He stood and made his way to the sink. There was no answer to his comment, and he really hadn't expected there to be one. Though outwardly Hanabi was as different from her sister as night and day, in this they were the same – they kept an eye out on those they cared for. It was just the execution that was different.

He closed his eyes and threw some water at his face. Then he returned to his classroom to wait out his students.

xxx

Iruka never did well while Kakashi was away. This was fact number one. Kakashi was now 35 days late from his mission and counting. Fact number two.

And both of those contributed to fact number three – he hated mission desk duty. It always brought a sense of false hope. He did his best to not let on, but it was always close to his thought the desire for it to be this time that Kakashi finally returned. It had yet to happen, now or on any of his previous missions, but Iruka hoped. He was beginning to hate hope.

And on top of that, the Hokage didn't seem that surprised. "It's a difficult mission," she'd finally said to Iruka two weeks ago when he had been so desperate as to nearly stalk her. "I was expecting him to be gone this long."

Lost in that thought, Iruka looked up from his papers. He sighed.

Team Gai had just entered the mission room.

He plastered on a grin and begin to do what he was fast considering his routine. If only to deal with the one downside of dating Kakashi.

"Iruka-sensei!" Gai said loudly. "And how is my Eternal Rival's Beloved on this beautiful day?"

_That goddamn name._

"I am well, Gai-sensei. It is also well to see your team has returned. Report?"

As Gai began to make a production of his team's mission and of their SKILL and COURAGE and whatever else he could embellish, Iruka's mind began to wander again. He wondered about Naruto. But more, he wondered again about Kakashi.

He was always wondering about Kakashi, it seemed. The man couldn't be on time for anything. Not even their anniversary.

"Eh, Iruka-sensei, are you alright?" Tenten asked him, interrupting her sensei.

"Of course," Iruka replied automatically. "I was just woolgathering."

"Has Kakashi returned yet?" Gai asked Iruka, frowning now. He looked at Iruka with concern.

"He hasn't," Iruka replied. "But he should be back any day now."

The concern was replaced with pity.

"This isn't the first mission he's been late from," Iruka snapped, not wanting the pity.

"This is true, Iruka-sensei," Gai said gravely. He patted Iruka's hand and Iruka was hard pressed not to snatch it back and hit him with it. "He will show up soon enough."

"Of course he will," Iruka said stiffly, snatching the mission report from Gai. "If that will be all, we have no more missions for you today."

And that was that.

It wasn't that Iruka hated Gai, it was just that sometimes he saw too much. And right now, the only one he wanted to see anything was the one who wasn't there.

But Kakashi was always in and out of his life. He was highly skilled, and with the damage done to the Leaf's shinobi ranks, he was also in high demand. So Iruka had adjusted, adding his absences to his days. Relishing when he was near, patient when he was gone. It had become a part of his days, much like brushing his teeth and teaching at the academy.

But he missed him, always missed him. His absence was a hole in his heart, fiercer and more potent than the Naruto-shaped one he carried inside. At least he knew Naruto was still alive, but what could he say about...

Best not to go there.

xxx

Afternoons were reserved for shopping, without fail. Once, they had been reserved for detentions and the occasional bit of eating out, but Konohamaru was not half the trouble Naruto had been, and Iruka did not enjoy eating out alone in the evening. So whether he was teaching in the morning, or doing desk duty, he reserved the later half of his afternoon for shopping for the day's evening meal and the next morning's breakfast. And now, he always bought for two.

Today he was deciding whether to have an eggplant curry, or something with meat in it. On the one hand, Kakashi hated eggplant. On the other, Iruka was rather fond of it. He bought the eggplant, and was getting ready to move on to where the spices were sold, when...

"Iruka-sensei!"

Iruka closed his eyes and groaned. What had he done to deserve Gai twice in one day?

"Iruka-sensei, I did not expect you here!" Gai said cheerfully, standing by the stall he had been about to leave. "I thought you might be enjoying some ramen tonight."

"Even I can't live off of it," Iruka said wryly. "I only ever ate it on occasion. Naruto is the one who seems to live for it, not me, Gai-sensei."

Gai nodded thoughtfully. "I must admit, I rather thought that Naruto-kun had taken after you in that respect."

Iruka shook his head. "No. If anything, I eat more ramen because of Naruto!"

They both laughed at that.

"So what brings you here, Gai-sensei?" Iruka asked, curious now. "I don't think I've seen you here before."

"It is true, I do not come as often as I should," Gai said. "But today I felt compelled! If I am to keep up with the youthful energy of my students, then I must keep myself at maximum health!"

"Do you even know how to cook?" Iruka asked him. "I only ask because Kakashi said you lived on more take out than he did."

Gai flushed. Behind the vegetable stand, the grocer was grinning.

Iruka sighed. As much as Gai infuriated him, he was still one of Kakashi's closest friends.

"I admit, Iruka-sensei, that with all my training I do not have time to cook for myself very much." Gai eyed the cucumbers warily. "But how hard can it be?"

Iruka remembered the one time Kakashi tried to cook for him. And then tried not to.

"Actually, Gai-sensei, if you're looking for something different, would you like to join me for dinner? I'm making eggplant curry tonight." And hoping to avoid any disaster your foray into cooking might cause, Iruka finished silently to himself.

But Gai looked mystified. "Eggplant?"

Iruka sighed yet again. "It is quite good, Gai-sensei," he said. And if nothing else, Iruka knew he had left overs in the fridge.

xxx

Iruka would give Gai credit for one thing – he tried to be polite about the curry. Iruka, who could tell when people were lying to him, warmed up some of the leftovers from the previous night, which went over a great deal better.

"You are a wonderful cook!" Gai praised him afterward. "I have never had a stew taste so well!"

"Thank you, Gai-sensei," Iruka said with a chuckle, as he cleared the table. "It's nice to have someone around who's willing to tell me so."

"Does not my Eternal Rival compliment your cooking?" Gai asked curiously.

"Only when he's looking for something else," Iruka said wryly, before realizing who he was talking to. Then he blushed furiously.

This time Gai was the one to chuckle. "That does sound like him."

There was a companionable silence as Iruka rinsed the dishes.

"He doesn't like eggplant," Iruka said suddenly. "I only ever really make it when he's away. And yet..."

"Only when he's away?" Gai said. He looked at the amount of curry, and then at the fridge. Iruka didn't always eat his own left overs, and Gai had obviously seen evidence of that. "You make a great deal of food for only one man, Iruka-sensei."

"Habit," Iruka said. "I've become accustomed to making meals for two."

"Ah," Gai said, looking uncomfortable. "One should not be constrained by habit. A break every now and then is good for the soul, Iruka-sensei."

"Sometimes," Iruka said slowly. "Sometimes, it is the only way to make it day to day."

"And you feel in need of that now," Gai said quietly, as if to himself.

Iruka felt himself stiffen. "I am not some pining woman waiting for her lover to return home."

"Then, Iruka-sensei, what are you doing?" Gai asked. "I was asked by Kakashi to keep an eye on you, and yet from all accounts there is no need. You barely do anything besides work and cook. If not pining, then what is this all for?"

"Get out," Iruka said. "You know nothing."

"I am only trying..." Gai started to say, standing up from the table. If Iruka had been facing him, he would have noticed the distressed look on his face.

"Gai-sensei, I appreciate your concern, but I do not need to explain myself to you.. Now go."

Iruka stood stiffly, back turned from Gai. He heard the other man leave, but made no move to leave his spot. He cleaned the dishes, put away the leftover curry. Made sure his kitchen was neat.

Then he went to bed, to prepare for the new day.

xxx

It wasn't that Iruka didn't know that his habits were not helpful for him. It was the only way he knew how to cope. Day after day, minute after minute, he held onto what he had always done because he felt like he had lost everything else. He waited for Kakashi, he waited for Naruto, he waited to feel useful again. He waited, and he was tired of waiting.

xxx

Kakashi returned on the 42nd day. Iruka was teaching at the academy when he returned. When he returned home, it was to a mess in his kitchen, left overs strewn everywhere, and a filthy jounin in his bed. He covered a smile and began setting things to rights. The home was warmer, and he felt more at peace than he had in a while.

Tomorrow, he told himself, he would take Hanabi out to ramen again. It had been a while.


End file.
